This month-long hiatus from blogging didn't happen on purpose. I didn't set out to take a break. I just couldn't put a coherent sentence together.
I have continued to go to work, take care of my family, cook yummy food, and run (although all this snow has tripped me up.)
But my heart has been drifting.
The past twelve months has been a study in trial and patience. Everything I thought I knew about parenting has been tossed right out the window, as we have been thrown with one stumbling block after another. I have been brought to my knees (literally) as I knelt on my back porch and just wept out to God for guidance and strength. Thankfully, I live on 5 acres and have the freedom to cry and wail.
I am finding out that the only thing I know for sure is that I don't know anything.
About three or four weeks ago, I woke up at 3am. That never happens unless the Lord is waking me up to pray. I don't see a lot of sunrises, so I asked God what was up, He had my attention.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I simply adore my children. Being a mother has been my high calling. My husband and I are committed, all-in parents. We are strict, but fun. We are engaged, and try to be fully available. All with the hope of having godly, healthy children. But children are people, and prone to be human- imagine that. I think I forgot that the same trials which shaped my own personal and spiritual growth and made me the strong person I am have to be experienced by my kids, in order to shape their character. I think I also thought I could protect them from making mistakes.
I've spent the last few months worrying about my two older children incessantly. I have worried to the point of stress, and started losing weight in the process. I can't remember when I have had more headaches than the past year. And I have a history of migraines. I have worried instead of trusting God. When He woke me up that morning, it was as-if he were impressing upon my heart to trust Him. To leave it in His care. I could have wept with the relief. It's so simple. And I know this. But I renewed my relationship with God to turn my worry over to instant prayer for my children. It's a lightbulb moment for me. And it's a u-turn back to what I know is true. God loves me. And He loves my children even more than I do.
Which is pretty hard to fathom.