Friday, February 17, 2012

On Getting Older

My oldest son is graduating high school in three months (not to beat a dead horse, here), and preparing to leave for college. This has thrown me into a tailspin of emotions. Emotions that I was not anticipating, nor do I much admire....
I have mentioned before that I had him when I was seventeen. Deciding to have that child was honestly the turn around point of my life, and the very thing that gave my life purpose. He was the reason that I turned my heart over to Christ, and decided that life was about more than myself.
When you give birth to a little, tiny squawking baby, the only thing you can think about is feedings and diaper changes and sleep patterns. You don't think ahead very far to things like elementary school, driving, and college plans. The truth is, he was ten years old when I gave birth to my last child, and I still was not thinking too much about the future. Maybe God protected my mind a little. I struggle with making wise choices concerning my children, since I want so much to be a great mom (this is a joint concern with my husband, I am just speaking for myself). I have agonized over how to raise my children in such a way that they chose right, because they know it to BE right, and not because they are forced to- out of fear. It is my experience that we parent either as a result of wise choices our parents made, or because we want to be different than our parents. For Jay and I, we wanted different parenting patterns. We love our parents dearly, and have great relationships with them, we just wanted to be more focused and hands-on than they were able to be. (Some circumstances are beyond our control, much as we may wish otherwise.)
I have wondered over the past two months of constant tears, a rarity for me, whether these surprising emotions are as a result of the hard fact that anytime a child leaves home it is difficult- or as a result of my current age. Most of my friends who are my age are still changing diapers, potty training, or walking into kindergarten.  I don't have the answers to these questions. I only know what I am feeling right now, and that is hope for the future, sadness over not having my son be a part of our daily lives, and excitement to see what God has in store for him.
God has dropped nuggets of truth into my lap on a daily basis, and I continue to cling to these.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Dress: Gap, thrifted
Sweater: Mossimo, Target
Tights: Lands End
Boots: DSW, Ciao Bella
Bracelet: J Crew, leather wrap
Necklace: black beads, thrifted

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