On Motherhood

Source: sneakpeeq.com via Debra on Pinterest

As you may have noticed, last Sunday was Mothers Day. Ah, the annual celebration where my fairytale dreams of poems and handwritten notes are reduced to a piece of computer paper with "Love you Mom" written in pencil hurriedly before Mom notices that no one has done anything to acknowledge the day. To be fair, my expectations are only high because I tend to go all-out on Fathers Day, by beating talking my kids into some extravagant gift/presentation for their dad, making sure that they write notes or personally pick out cards. And reminding them of how hard Jay works for us and how much he adores us. I don't think it's too much to expect him to remind them that Mothers Day is coming, after all.
Do I sound a little bitter? I was. I spent part of Mothers Day in tears because I felt like the lack of attention to the day was an indication of how my kids feel about me. And lets face it. Sometimes all the hard work of mothering does come down to one day of recognition. But then we went to church, (where the dream I had of sitting in the row with my older children was dashed because they woke up late, rushed to church and listened from the foyer) and I listened to the pastor speak about how guilt eats us up in parenting, about how our kids' behavior is not always a reflection of our parenting, it's a reflection of their hearts. And God wants their hearts, not their behavior. WOW. I sat in tears. And I sat convicted. And I felt like a schmuck for expecting so much of them.
I decided to roll with the day. Let go of expectations and my bad attitude, and just enjoy the day. We went as a family to see Ironman (Mr. Handsome's gift to me.), and it was sold out. So we went for ice cream instead. We had my in-laws over for ribs. My son backed into their car.
So much for a peaceful day, huh? But hey, I wore a cute dress. And I hugged my kids. A lot.

Cory, Zach, Me, TJ and Madison (and my furry baby, Samson)

Me and Madison and my Marilyn Monroe moment.

In This Outfit:
Dress: Anthropologie Summer Soufflé Dress (similar body style)
Sweater: J Crew Jackie Cardigan
Belt: Anthropologie Rippled Ribbon Belt (Kate Spade version)
Shoes: J Crew Mona Pump
Necklace: J Crew multistrand pearls

Hiatus

This month-long hiatus from blogging didn't happen on purpose. I didn't set out to take a break. I just couldn't put a coherent sentence together.
I have continued to go to work, take care of my family, cook yummy food, and run (although all this snow has tripped me up.)

But my heart has been drifting.

The past twelve months has been a study in trial and patience. Everything I thought I knew about parenting has been tossed right out the window, as we have been thrown with one stumbling block after another. I have been brought to my knees (literally) as I knelt on my back porch and just wept out to God for guidance and strength. Thankfully, I live on 5 acres and have the freedom to cry and wail.

I am finding out that the only thing I know for sure is that I don't know anything.

About three or four weeks ago, I woke up at 3am. That never happens unless the Lord is waking me up to pray. I don't see a lot of sunrises, so I asked God what was up, He had my attention.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I simply adore my children. Being a mother has been my high calling. My husband and I are committed, all-in parents. We are strict, but fun. We are engaged, and try to be fully available. All with the hope of having godly, healthy children. But children are people, and prone to be human- imagine that. I think I forgot that the same trials which shaped my own personal and spiritual growth and made me the strong person I am have to be experienced by my kids, in order to shape their character. I think I also thought I could protect them from making mistakes.

I've spent the last few months worrying about my two older children incessantly. I have worried to the point of stress, and started losing weight in the process. I can't remember when I have had more headaches than the past year. And I have a history of migraines. I have worried instead of trusting God.  When He woke me up that morning, it was as-if he were impressing upon my heart to trust Him. To leave it in His care. I could have wept with the relief. It's so simple. And I know this. But I renewed my relationship with God to turn my worry over to instant prayer for my children. It's a lightbulb moment for me. And it's a u-turn back to what I know is true. God loves me. And He loves my children even more than I do.

Which is pretty hard to fathom.

•I've started and stopped this post numerous times. But was finally encouraged by Roxy of EA to get it out, via a very kind text message last week. Thanks, Roxy.

College Life

Since I didn't go to college, I didn't experience the feelings of going away and separating from my family and having to figure it out. I was a momma, and had to grow up fast.
I shared with you earlier that being a college mom is difficult. I am hoping to get some feedback from you, my dear readers. Will you share your college experiences with me? The good and the bad? And maybe some suggestions on how to have a great relationship with my college aged son? I would so much appreciate it...
I hope I don't sound like I am complaining, I just hope that by hearing some different perspectives, it might give me encouragement.

In This Outfit:

Flared & Cabled Sweaterdress, Anthro (similar in grey & navy, red w/ sleeves, i LOVE this!)
Cardigan Sweater, J Crew Factory (here, here)
Emmie Ballet Flat, Lucky (here, all different colors here)
Unearthed Necklace, Anthro (similar style, beautiful turquoise)
And completely un-related but I just had an OMG moment. Have you guys seen this?! Where have I been?

Living In Zombie-ville

Well, Halloween is over, but the spooky things are still going on.
Who knew having a college kid was going to be this hard? Letting go of control has been one of the hardest parts of parenting I have ever dealt with. Especially knowing that your child is not making the best of decisions. It is stretching my faith, and my prayer life, that's for sure. The every day drama of the younger kids at home is a cake-walk, comparatively.
Fashion is light. It's an easy thing to think about, when everything else seems a mess. So honestly, it's a mindless exercise that releases stress for me. I take parenting very seriously, not fashion. It's an outlet. You happen to see the majority of that outlet, not my real life. I hope that conveys.
I may have mentioned this before, but the best parenting advice I ever heard was:
"When you you have success, don't take too much credit, and when you have failure, don't take too much blame." For someone who wishes so much to raise godly, happy children, that is important to remember.

In This Outfit:
Night Moves Chemise, Anthro (similar with sleeves, almost exact)
Arched Pleats Pullover, Anthro (similar)
Orinoco Necklace, Anthro (similar)
Emmie Ballet Flat, Lucky (via Shoebuy) (here, other colors here)

Rough Road Ahead

As I mentioned in a previous post, we have a kid leaving for college. Well... Today is the day. We leave this evening to take him up to KU, where we will attend freshman orientation tomorrow morning, and move him into his dorm Friday morning.
The road to this day has been much more difficult to anticipate. I have run through emotions I never thought I would experience. From sadness to relief. (I think the relief has been the biggest surprise.) Since neither Jay or I went away to college- we were too busy raising this kid, this is a new experience for all of us.
Jay rode his bike with me while I went for a 6 mile run last night, and we talked about the details involving move-in weekend. Towards the end of the conversation, he said, "I just hope he realizes what a great opportunity he has and doesn't do anything to mess it up!" Amen to that, my man! We want so much for this child, and we are so proud of him.
If you think of it, say a prayer for us that we will be wise in our conversations with him, and also that we will know when to just make him tough things out, and not sweep in to save the day.
One new blessing is that my in-laws moved to our town over the summer, so our younger kids can stay with grandparents, and be perfectly well taken care of and not off their routine while we settle our oldest. I'm so thankful for them and their help.

Shirt: Anthro Pilcro Boy Tee (similar here)
Jeans: Gap Real Straight Distressed (standard here, similar here, love these too)
Shoes: J Crew Mona Pump (available here, love this color!, cheaper here)
Necklace: Anthro Sagitta Necklace (similar here, similar colors)
Watch: J Crew Vintage Field (similar band here)

More Thoughts on Parenting

This morning I happened upon a post on Facebook. Someone was asking for friends' opinions on successful parenting. Some of the responses shocked and saddened me. The standard to which we hold other people can be very harsh.
As a mom knee deep in the teen years (my kids are currently almost 18, 16, 12 & almost 8), my definition of success has just about been tossed out the window. Sometimes surviving the day means success. I have always looked forward to the teen years in our home, and can honestly say that I enjoy having teenagers. But I can also say that it is harder than I thought it would be. My expectations were much different than my reality.
The biggest surprise in parenting teens is that they seem to revert back to behaviors you thought were cured back when they were say, 2-3 years old. Sometimes I honestly think my kids have lost their minds. I have said to them, "Who are you, and what have you done with my child?" It's like been invaded by aliens. Space Invaders, anyone? Jay and I are all-in on parenting. Involved, supportive, talkers.
We recently had a very serious situation with my oldest. Something that we worried might strongly affect his future career and college options. Let me tell you, when I gave birth to that tiny little baby and snuggled him in my arms, the farthest thing from my mind was sitting up all night with a child I was concerned might resort to taking his own life than facing up to his difficulties. (Let me clarify that he never threatened, I was just worried.) The first thought that crossed my mind is, "Where did we go wrong?" That's sad, isn't it?
The older I get, the less likely I am to offer parenting advice/opinions. The older I get, the less I know. The only thing I know for sure is that God is in control, and I am not. I have to rely upon Him more and more each day.
I wish we, as a parenting community, could be more quick to encourage and support each other, and less quick to be critical. Let's face it, criticism is not hard to come by. It's constantly there, whether in our own minds or from those around us. When was the last time someone encouraged you? Parenting is the hardest job on Earth. I want to be an encourager.
That is my hope.

Shirt: Anthro Staccato Garnish Racerback (similar here & here)
Skirt: Anthro Patagonian Maxi (similar here & here
Bracelets: Vintage and J Crew (here, similar here & here)
Watch: J Crew (here)

(More) Thoughts on Parenting

Even though I became a parent at a very young age, I took my responsibilities seriously immediately. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about care and discipline of children. I also asked lots of advice from parents whose methods I admired. My Aunt Sue poured hours and hours of teaching and love into me as a young parent, and her time has meant so much to me over the years.
A week or so ago, I hurt one of my teenagers. I did something very thoughtless, leading him to believe that he wasn't as important to me as his siblings. I was crushed. It was innocent enough, without malice on my part, but my lack of consideration hurt him. And that hurts me. I got to thinking about why this bothers me so much.
As a child, my parents were very busy, and not super hands-on in my life. (I should clarify that this is not the case these days. I have a strong, healthy relationship with my parents now, and I love them dearly.) There were many times I felt unimportant, and unloved.  I was determined to never make my children feel that way, and yet I have. Unintentionally, but I have.
I take great joy in being mother to TJ, Cory, Madison and Zachery. I also love being wife to Jay. These are my first responsibilities, and the delight of my life. I have lots of interests, but I consider my home my job at this time in my life.
As I matured in life, and in my walk with God, I learned that true joy and contentment does not come from the people and circumstances around you, it comes from within.

" The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy." Psalm 28:7

I have to remind myself of the promises found in the Word, when my abilities seem to fail me, despite my earnest desire to do right. Thankfully, I can depend upon that truth, or I would feel constant discouragement.
As for my relationship with my son, I went to him face to face with a sincere apology, and and offer of lunch the following day. He graciously accepted my apology, and the offer of lunch. (Although he preferred I just drop it off at school, and not stay to eat with him. Teenagers! Haha!)
Have you ever hurt someone, whether it was your child or a friend? If so, how do you respond?

Dress: Cinch & Flow Maxi, Anthro
Belt: Bowtied Luster Belt, Anthro
Shoes: American Eagle